Mustard -- A Tragic Story

Tags: mustard, with, tragic, sandwich, tongue

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce, and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

''Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,'' she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, ''Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'''

More jokes from the same category

Talking Out Of Your Ass

If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would fart....

Jingle Balls

Why does Santa have huge balls? Because he only comes once a year!...

Ending It All

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart fr...

Baked Beans And Their Delightful Tune

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. A...